My President is an Alien

My President is an Alien: "Have you ever wondered why the President doesn’t make real public appearances, but only speaks in carefully orchestrated settings where the audience is kept far away from him? That’s because he’s wearing makeup to hide his scaly skin and camouflage his fangs. Remember the candidate debate with John Kerry during the 2004 elections? TV cameras caught Bush with a mysterious lump on his back. What do you think that was? You’re right, a tail.

Of course, the fifth and final rule for detecting aliens is noticing that that they have no long term plans – they don’t plan to retire here. They’re heading back to Bush World as soon as they complete their assignment.

So what is the Bush Administration after? Think about it, what do all alien invaders in Sci-Fi movies want? They want our wealth, our women, and our workers. They want our natural resources because they’ve run out on Bush World. They want our women for god-only-knows-what-kind-of debauchery. Only their ideal woman doesn’t think; that’s why they hate Hilary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi, and hold up Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as role models. And, they want cheap labor to work around the clock in their alien factories, to supply Wal-Mart with cheap goods. (BTW: The owners of Wal-Mart are also aliens.)

Now that I’ve scared you out of your wits, you ask what are we going to do? How can we rid America of this alien scourge?

Remember that aliens are vulnerable because they’re not used to our environment. They choke on clean air and water, gag on healthy food free from pesticides and additives. Their greatest vulnerability is taking themselves seriously. It drives them crazy to be made fun of. To be reminded that they’re not, in fact, real Americans.

But, of course, no real American would do the things they do. Just keep reminding yourself, George Bush and his cronies aren’t patriots, they’re aliens.



Bob Burnett is a Berkeley writer and Quaker ac"